Relationships
by JantoFan
Summary: Howard tries to find love. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm having real trouble with my updates at the moment, so this is my attempt to get back into the flow of writing and get my juju back! Hope you like it!**

**This is set just after the last episode of series 3.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own the Boosh. Never have, and probably never will. Also, the poem featured is mine, but is based very heavily on one which isnt so I feel I should credit that. i just sort of re-wrote most of it.**

* * *

Howard Moon sat at the kitchen counter, repeatedly banging his head against it. Vince Noir looked on nervously, unsure what he was meant to do.

"That was utterly humiliating Vince."

"It wasn't that bad!"

Howard ceased hitting his head and glared over at his friend. "'wasn't that bad'? I'm sorry, were you partaking in the same conversation I was? Because from where I was standing, it went terribly. That girl was repulsed by me."

"Look, I'm sure she didn't mean…"

"I might as well forget it, Vince," Howard sighed, "I'm the face of trapped wind for God's sake. Who's going to want to date me now?"

Vince stayed silent, unsure how to answer that question. Howard however seemed to take his silence as insulting, and snorted with mirthless laughter.

"See? No-one, that's who. Might as well face the fact that I'm going to be alone. Forever. With no-one. But that's alright; I'm Howard Moon. I don't need people around me; I'm interesting enough to spend time with myself. Oh yes."

Vince merely looked at him. He had never seen Howard this…down before. And that was unusual, all the stuff they'd been through together. Even back at the zoo with Mrs Gideon, Howard had never seemed this depressed about things. What the hell had changed between now and then?

"I'm going to bed." Howard told him, standing up. "Night, Vince."

"Yeah, night." Vince told him distractedly, lost in thought. He didn't even notice Howard had already left the room, and hadn't heard him.

* * *

"Yeah, I'm happy in my own company." Howard said to himself as he lay in bed. "I'm all I need, don't need anyone else." He glanced over at Vince's bed, then back at the bedroom door. If he'd been hoping Vince would follow him in here to try and cheer him up, he'd have been disappointed. And he was, a bit. "Just as well really. I don't have anyone else." He said softly to himself. Much as he hated to admit it, he missed Vince. That sounded so stupid to him, he lived with the guy for crying out loud! He saw him every day! _What do I mean by that? _Howard wondered. It was just…he missed how Vince used to be. He'd changed since they left the zoo, become more cynical. Back at the zoo, he'd been sweet and naïve, if a little self centred. Now he was determined to become this social butterfly that everyone knew; hell bent on having whatever Cheekbone or Dazed and Confused told him was the perfect lifestyle. And that had pulled them apart, because Howard hadn't changed. At least, he didn't think he had.

He cast another look at the door. He wasn't sure why the fact that Vince hadn't followed him bothered him so much. Maybe just the fact that Vince back when he was 19 would have done anything he could to cheer Howard up. Now he couldn't even be bothered to walk ten paces and open a door. With a sigh, Howard turned out the light and rolled over, trying to get to sleep.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Outside the door, Vince stood with his hand on the doorknob, not moving. He'd been stood there for five minutes now, and he wasn't sure why he was still there.

"Just go in!" he muttered to himself. "It's Howard for God's sake! What am I so nervous about?" but he still didn't go in.

Another five minutes passed, and Vince still hadn't moved. He hadn't even let go of the doorknob. "This is stupid!" he said softly, letting go and walking into the kitchen. Then he took a deep breath, turned around and walked into the bedroom. "Howard, are you sure you're alright?" But silence and heavy breathing told him the Maverick was already asleep.

* * *

Howard looked around the internet café he was in. he felt sure he was the oldest person in here. He looked back at the screen. _Why am I even doing this?_

Because despite what he'd told Vince, he did want company in his life. Taking a deep breath, Howard clicked 'submit' on the internet dating profile he'd just set up.

"Where've you been?" Vince asked him when he walked into the shop twenty minutes later. "I'm the one who's meant to be late, not you!"

"I had things to do."

"What things?"

"Private things! Just leave it Vince, ok?!"

Vince blinked at him. "sorry." He muttered, bending his face back to his magazine. Howard sighed.

"Sorry little man. I didn't mean to yell."

"S'ok."

"What're you reading?" Howard asked, trying to get a conversation going that would distract Vince from why he'd been late.

"I dunno actually, some woman left it here!" Vince flipped it round so Howard could see the double page spread he'd been looking at. "Hey Howard, check this out! It's all about internet dating!"

"So?" Howard asked, feeling uncomfortable.

"Who does that?! Internet dating's weird and creepy; you get freaks on the internet."

"Yeah." Howard chuckled, a sinking feeling in his stomach. _At least I didn't put my name on that website! _He thought, relieved that if anyone found it, at least it wouldn't be traced back to him.

* * *

The next day Howard found himself back in the café. He wasn't even sure why he was bothering, why would anyone respond to him? He clicked on the email icon, then froze as he saw the message. He'd been sent a response! Excited, he opened the message.

_**Dear Lune-black,**_

_**I read your profile on , and I think you sound really nice! I'd really like to get to know you better, so message me back if you're interested! Here's a bit of info about me: I have blue eyes, dark hair, I enjoy…**_

Howard read the rest of the message with growing excitement. This person sounded great! (As long as Vince wasn't rights and it was some weird pervy 70 year old). Grinning to himself, he instantly replied to the message.

"What've you got there?" Vince asked suspiciously when Howard walked into the flat that evening with a large box.

"I got myself a laptop."

"A laptop? Why?"

Howard thought fast. He could hardly tell Vince that he'd wanted it so he could have regular contact with his internet date without having to go to that stupid café, could he? "I might want to …look at pictures of…trumpets online. Or book…things."

"Cool. Can I use it?"

Howard looked at him suspiciously. "What for?"

"Stuff."

"As long as it's not illegal or in any way dodgy, fine."

"Genius." Vince said, grinning.

* * *

The next few weeks passed fairly quickly for Howard. Despite the fact that he didn't even know their name, he felt his online relationship was going pretty well.

"You're happy." Vince noted.

"So?"

"So, what's her name?"

"Who?"

"This girl you keep grinning about."

"And who says there's a girl?"

"I know that look, you've found someone!"

"I might have." Howard could not suppress a smile.

Vince's face seemed to fall slightly, but then a split second later he grinned again and Howard wasn't even sure if he'd imagined it. "My boy's growing up! Come on, I want details! Where'd you meet her?"

"I'd rather not go into it."

"Why? It wasn't anywhere dodgy was it?"

"No! I just…don't want to jinx it."

"You're weird, you know that?"

"Thanks Vince."

"Whatever. Hey, can I use the laptop?"

"You're meant to be working here!"

"Yeah but can you cover for me? Go on, Howard, please? I told Leroy I'd send him some tunes!"

Howard sighed. "Go on then!"

"Cheers Howard. You're a diamond!" Vince told him, grinning.

Howard was actually glad to have the shop to himself. It gave him some time to finish writing the poem he was going to email his internet date that night.

**I sit in the evenings and watch the sun set  
****Thinking of someone that I've never met  
I wonder if you think of me too?  
Because every minute I'm thinking of you.**

**Most people would say that I'm gonna regret  
Losing my heart to someone I've never met  
But I'd tell them there's nothing I can do  
I just can't stop thinking of you.**

**The emails you send cheer up my every day  
Even when cold, when the sky turns to grey.  
I'm tired of being so alone and blue  
But I always smile when I'm thinking of you**

It wasn't great, he thought, frowning. But it wasn't bad, either. It would do. As soon as Vince got off the computer, he would email it. Vince. Howard couldn't help smiling when he thought about Vince's childish glee at the news he had a 'girlfriend'. Howard snorted. He didn't know what Vince would say if he knew the truth about his relationship…

* * *

Vince glanced nervously over at Howard's sleeping form as he tip-toed out of the bedroom. He sat down at the sofa and switched on the laptop. He had to admit, this was a lot more convenient than visiting the internet café, even if it did mean he needed to get up at 4 in the morning to check his emails to ensure privacy. He wondered if his 'boyfriend' would have sent him anything. He wasn't entirely sure he should be calling them that, after all they'd never actually met. For all Vince knew, this guy could have several online relationships at the same time.

_How embarrassing would it be if Howard found out about this? _Vince wondered. He, Vince Noir, had used an online dating website. No-one suspected he could have trouble getting dates; he had men and women all over him all the time. But Vince wanted more than just casual sex, he wanted a relationship. And none of those people would be willing to give him one.

His heart-rate increased when he saw he did have a message from his online sweetheart. He read it, and grinned to himself. "Aww! How sweet is that?!" he murmured happily.

_**Hi V-man22.**_

_**How are things with you? Getting any further with your music career?**_

_**I being a man of many talents (don't laugh); I've written you a poem to express my feelings to have found you:**_

_**I sit in the evenings and watch the sun set**_

_**Thinking of someone that I've never met…**_

**

* * *

**

Ok, this was originally gonna be a one-shot to recover from my writer's block, but this felt like such a good place to end it! So will be posted in two parts instead.

**Please feel free to review! x**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to update! i meant to have it up, like, on Friday...oh well. lol. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Howard?"

"Hmm?" Howard glanced up from his copy of Global Explorer to look at Vince.

"Nothing."

Howard sighed. Vince always did this when he wanted something; he seemed to think Howard would be more likely to give him his way if it was Howard who asked him what was up. Probably, he realised, because he usually did.

"What is it Vince?" he asked.

"Can I have the laptop at 3 o clock? I told…Leroy I'd be online."

Howard felt a thrill of alarm. 3 was when he'd arranged to meet V-man22 on online messaging. "Sorry, little man. I need it."

"What for? What do you even do on there, anyway?"

Howard hesitated. Part of him wanted to see how Vince would react if he told him he needed the laptop to talk to his online boyfriend. But no, he couldn't do that. "I just do. Sorry Vince. Can't you use the internet café?"

"I'm gonna bloody have to, aren't I?!" Vince said angrily, and stalked into the bedroom. Howard sighed again, toyed for a minute with the idea of following Vince and apologising, then decided against it. He hadn't really done anything wrong, after all. Shaking his head, he returned to his Global Explorer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In the bedroom, Vince was sitting on his bed muttering angrily to himself.

"Stupid old jazzy freak. Why can't I use it? What's he doing that's so important anyway?" after a few minutes however, Vince began to wonder if Howard was in the wrong. After all, it was his computer. But that didn't change the fact that Vince was going to have to walk to the café in order to meet Lune-black. He sighed. It was entirely possible that if he explained to Howard why he wanted the computer, Howard would let him on. But he couldn't do that, not after everything he'd said about internet dating being creepy.

_Maybe I should get my own computer…_ Vince thought. He grinned. That was actually a pretty good idea! All he needed now was his debit card… he glanced around the room. _Where would Howard have put it? _He wondered. Howard had taken control of Vince's finances, and his debit card, ever since the electro boy had gone £700 overdrawn whilst in Topshop, and Howard had had to bail him out. He checked in all the obvious places, in Howard's draw and in his wardrobe. Then he sat down and thought. He glanced at his watch. He still had a couple of hours until 3 o clock. Still time to search…but where?

_Under his pillow? _It didn't seem likely, but this was Howard. He probably would be that weird. Hoping he wasn't about to find anything weird, Vince stuck his hand under the pillow. He frowned as his hand came into contact with a piece of paper. He pulled it out. Was it a love letter maybe? Why else would Howard keep it under his pillow? He hesitated. Would it be totally wrong of him to read this? _Nah_, he thought. After all, this was Howard. It wasn't like there would be anything dirty in it. The grin slipped from his face as soon as he read the first line. _What the hell…_ it was a copy of the 'Thinking of You' poem Vince had been sent the week before by his internet boyfriend. How the hell had Howard got a copy of it? Had he read Vince's emails? But hold on…there were bits crossed out. New bits added in. Words and notes scribbled around the edge of the page. _It looks like Howard wrote this… _Vince thought. Then his body flashed cold when he realised what that must mean. _Fuck! Howard is Lune-black!_ Howard?? All this time, he'd been writing to Howard?? Vince had to admit, that was uncharacteristically cruel of Howard. He was about to storm out and ask him about it when his brain-cell piped up with an idea. Why would Howard bother? And he had seemed genuinely happy about a new person in his life… A new person that he had never told Vince how they met, or what they were called… _Oh fuck. __**I'm **__this new 'girlfriend' he's been so happy about. Shit, what the hell am I gonna do?? _If he was completely honest, Vince was almost as surprised that Howard had an online relationship with a man as he was discovering that man was him. Howard had to be the least gay person he'd ever met! But then again, he had been awfully quick to become a 'massive gay-ist' after Vince kissed him at Howard's birthday party… He should just stop emailing. That was the only thing to do really. Telling Howard was out of the question, he'd probably think Vince had done it as a joke. Emailing him as V-man22 ands dumping him would probably send him into a self-destructive spiral again at being rejected. No, just stopping contact was the best way. It would cause the least hurt to both parties. Because Vince had to admit he was hurt by this. The one time in his life he had felt relationship potential with someone; it turned out to be his best mate. Bloody typical. Vince stuffed the paper back under Howard's pillow, and went out of the room. "Hey Bollo." He said, spotting the gorilla in the kitchen.

"Hey Vince. Bollo making Sheppard's pie. You want some?"

"Yeah, cheers Bollo."

At that moment, Howard walked back into the flat. "Hey Vince. Bollo."

"Alright?"

"I'm gasping for a cup of tea. Any chance Bollo?"

"Sure. Kettle's there." Bollo said, pointing to the appliance. Howard rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I'll make it. Vince?"

"I'm fine, thanks Howard."

Howard made to walk over to the kettle, then realised Vince was in the way. He gripped his friend's shoulders gently and steered him slightly to the left, so that he could squeeze past.

Vince felt sick suddenly. When Howard had touched his skin, his heart had suddenly begun beating fast, and his mouth had gone all dry. "Actually, I think I will have some tea." He said.

"Ok." Howard busied himself with the tea, and Vince went and slumped on the sofa, staring down at his own feet. Why did he feel like this?

"Here." Howard sat down next to him and passed him a mug.

"Cheers, Howard." Vince told him, looking up at his friends face. Had Howard's eyes always been that shade? They were like two pools of warm chocolate that Vince wanted to dive right into. How had he never noticed before the way they sparkled slightly in the light from the window? Or how they… _whoa! What the hell?? _"I have to…um…go."

"What about your tea?"

"I'll be back in a minute. Umm…bathroom." Vince got up and hurried into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He leant against the wall, trying to slow his breathing. What the hell was going on? This was Howard, his best friend Howard, who everyone mistook for his dad! Howard, who only that morning Vince had actually told one of his many 'friends' (the ones who disappeared whenever he wasn't considered 'in'), was like his side-kick! He couldn't seriously be falling for him! He'd been falling for 'Lune-black' sure, but that was before he knew it was Howard! Now he knew it was…oh God. He was ok with that. He was even slightly _happy _about that. Fuck.

* * *

That night, Vince was to be found sitting alone at the bar of his favourite pub. He wasn't really drinking alone, of course, but Leroy was late as usual.

"Alright Vince darlin'? What can I get ya?"

He smiled at the barmaid. "The usual, thanks, Naomi." She set about mixing up his drink. "Hey, Naomi?"

"Yes love?"

"You've had boyfriends, right?"

"Yeah, why? You got relationship problems?"

"Sort of. You know that guy I was telling you about? The one I met online?"

"The one you swore me to secrecy about, yeah. What about him? He's not some 80 year old weirdo or a 12 year old girl, is he?"

"What? No, nothing like that. It's just…I've found out it's someone I know. Like, in real life."

"Oh. Well, isn't that good?"

He sighed. "I dunno. Maybe. But the thing is, I don't know if he likes me or not. I mean, he likes me online, but its different, aint it? What if I tell him it's me, and he thinks it's a big joke or something? Like I'm makin' fun of him."

"Do you like him? In real life?"

"I think so. Yeah, yeah I do."

"So don't tell him. Drop hints in your emails; make him figure it out for himself. That way, when he realises it is you, he won't care."

Vince thought about this, then grinned at her. "You know, that might just work! I could just …hey, Leroy!"

As Leroy launched into some tale about his latest conquest, Vince sighed internally. All he needed to do now was figure out a way to drop hints as to his identity.

A few hours later, long after Howard had gone to bed, Vince was sitting at the laptop trying to compose his next email. He sighed. It had never been this hard writing to him before he decided he would drop heavy hints as to his identity. But now, anything he wrote made it sound really obvious it was him. He wanted Howard to figure it out, not have it practically screamed at him from the computer screen.

Eventually, he had an email he was happy with. He clicked 'send', then glanced down at the clock. 5:34 am. _Bloody hell! That took me almost 2 hours to write!_ He suddenly felt like it should have been longer, or more intelligent-sounding. Too late now, it had already been whisked off into cyber-space.

* * *

Two weeks later, and Vince was getting seriously frustrated. He knew that the longer it went on, the angrier Howard would be that he hadn't said anything, and the more he was going to think it was a joke. Plus, living with Howard was harder than Vince had ever thought possible. He was so comfortable in the knowledge that Howard was his online romance; it felt natural to want to hug him and touch him. There had been an embarrassing incident a couple of nights before, when Vince had come home from the club slightly tipsy, and tried to kiss Howard. When Howard had pushed him away, Vince remembered he had no idea he had anything but friendship with him, and had instantly pretended to be a lot drunker than he really was. Howard hadn't mentioned it since.

It was infuriating just how **slow **Howard was being. Vince had even talked about how he shared a flat with a primate and Howard hadn't realised anything. _Mind you, _he thought, _what's he gonna do? Email me back saying 'Vince? Is that you?' not likely._

He booted up the laptop. Maybe this time there'd be something to suggest Howard knew who he was? But, no. there was a message, but it was just the usual sort of thing. Until the end of the message, that is. Vince read the line several times, his eyes getting wider with each reading.

_**I really want to meet you. Do you want to meet me? I'll be opposite the Cambridge pub at 12 tomorrow. Email me back if you can make it.**_

_**Howard x**_

_**(See? Now you know my real name!)**_

Vince gulped. This wasn't part of the plan; Howard was supposed to have figured it out! Although, if he hadn't done it already, it could be another two weeks before he realised…Vince didn't think he could last that long. Before he could think properly about what he was doing, he hit 'reply' and fired off a 'yes' response. The second he hit 'send' he regretted it. But it was already too late. Whether he was ready or not, the time had come to let Howard know who he was.

* * *

Howard sat nervously on the bench opposite the pub. Would he show up? He glanced at his watch. V-man22 was about 20 minutes late already. He'd been stood up by someone he'd never met. That had to be a new low. Oh God, what if he had shown up? What if he'd shown up, seen Howard, and left in disgust? It wouldn't surprise him…

"Hi, Howard."

He looked up sharply, then his face fell slightly when he realised it was Vince. "Oh. Hey, Vince."

"You waiting for someone?"

Howard sighed and looked around. There was no-one else nearby. "Guess not. I think I've been stood up."

Vince sat down next to him, looking nervous. "I'm pretty sure you haven't."

Howard smiled at him. "Thanks Vince, but I might as well face it. The guy's over 20 minutes late. I've been stood up."

"No, I mean…you haven't been stood up. They're here."

"What?" Howard glanced around, confused. Sure enough, the immediate area was just as deserted as he thought it was. "What do you mean, 'they're here?' There's no-one here but me and…"

Vince shifted uncomfortably, eyes looking at anything but Howard.

"…you." Howard finished, slightly lamely as the penny slowly dropped. "You. You?!"

"Me." Vince confirmed.

"I don't fucking believe this!" Howard said angrily, getting up and storming off into the dimming light; leaving Vince very confused on the bench behind him.

"Howard! Howard, wait!"

But Howard didn't wait, didn't stop walking until he was inside the flat. He was seething with anger. How dare he? How **dare **he??

"Howard, why'd you run off like that?" Vince was panting slightly from the effort it had taken to keep up with the jazz maverick.

"Did you think it was funny?"

"What?"

"Were you laughing at me? 'Oh, poor pathetic Howard has to look online for a date. Let's take the piss'. Well?"

"It wasn't like that!" he said, slightly tearfully.

"So what was it like!?" Howard asked angrily.

"I tried to tell you…"

"Tried to tell me? Tried to _fucking _tell me?! How bloody hard is it to do that?!" Howard was very close to Vince now, yelling right in his face. "How could you not realise how this would make me feel?! What the hell was going through your mind?"

Vince looked at him. He couldn't think of a single thing to say, so he did the first thing that came into his head. He grabbed Howard, and he kissed him. Howard's eyes widened with shock, and he pushed Vince away from him. "What're you doing?"

"Kissing you."

"I noticed, thanks." Howard said drily. "I meant why?!"

"Because I want to."

Howard looked at him, confusion beginning to overtake anger in his expression.

"Look, Howard, it wasn't like that, ok? When I first started writing to you, I didn't know it was you, honest I didn't. I was online trying to get a relationship for myself, ok? When I found out it was you I was writing to…it was a shock, I'll admit that, but the weird thing was that it didn't feel weird! I was ok with the fact that it was you I was…" he paused and licked his lips nervously, "…I was falling for." He glanced up quickly at Howard's face. "but if you don't feel the same, if it's weird that its me and you don't like me like that, I mean, that's fine, but I just wanted…" he was cut off by a pair of lips being suddenly pushed forcibly against his own. He stumbled backwards and felt himself slam into the wall. The kiss was messy, all twisting tongues and clashing teeth. Howard was gripping his arms so tightly Vince was sure it would leave bruises, but he didn't care. He wouldn't have wanted the pain to stop for the world, because Howard was kissing him. Vince let out a small moan as Howard nibbled on his lower lip. As if the sound alerted the jazz maverick to what he was doing, Howard pushed himself away suddenly, staring at Vince in horror.

"Howard?"

"I…I'm sorry, I just…" he was blushing furiously. "I can't. You're my friend, my best friend…I just can't. I'm sorry."

Vince felt as though he was going to cry. He could feel a lump rising in his throat as he gazed at the man in front of him, who was refusing to meet his gaze. He bit his lip. No way was he going to let it end like this, no way! _Nothing to loose, I suppose…_ Vince thought, and took a deep breath.

"Howard?" he stepped forwards and laid his hand lightly on the other man's cheek. Howard tried to flinch away from the contact, but Vince placed his other hand on the other cheek, and held his face. Then he kissed him again. Howard raised his hands to Vince's chest and seemed to push him away for a few seconds, then something changed and he gripped the front of Vince's shirt, pulling him closer. The kiss was different this time, soft and sweet.

Vince slipped his tongue into Howard's mouth, causing the larger man to groan softly and pull him closer. Vince resisted, breaking the kiss slightly to gaze into Howard's eyes, their faces still only centimetres apart. "Are you still mad at me?"

"No." Howard breathed, and kissed him again, wrapping his arms around Vince's torso. Without breaking the kiss again, the two of them stumbled towards the bedroom…

* * *

"Hello?" Naboo called as he walked into the shop. He was annoyed to find it closed. Where were Howard and Vince? He walked up the stairs and found the two of them sat at the kitchen table, grinning like idiots. "What're you two doing?"

They both jumped about a foot in the air. Naboo almost grinned at that.

"Naboo! You…you were supposed to be out all day!"

"Well, now I'm not. Why isn't the shop open?"

Howard and Vince glanced guiltily at each other briefly. "Err…it was! We're on a break!" Howard told him.

"Hmm…" Naboo stared at them, suspiciously. Something was going on here… "You sure nothing's going on?"

Vince suddenly sat up a little straighter and let out a tiny squeak, before taking a large gulp of his tea. Howard smiled at Naboo. "We're sure."

"Ok…" Naboo headed into his bedroom, glancing back at the two men before closing the door.

Vince instantly removed Howard's hand from where he'd been trailing it across the upper-most part of his thigh. "You are just asking for trouble!" he said, kissing Howard's fingertip.

"Ooh, is that a threat?" he asked, grinning back at him.

They were going to have to tell Naboo and Bollo eventually, of course. But for now, it was nice having a secret.

**

* * *

**

End! Much love to everyone who read this!

**Reviews make me happy :)**

**x**


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